Inspiring Stories: Insecurities & Relationships

 

Inspiring Story: Insecurities & Relationships

I have always been in-secured about myself. About my body, my face, my skin, my hair etc… I constantly had these negative thoughts of how people will think about me and how they will judge my appearance. I was afraid of coming out of my own shell I created so I don’t have to face people.

 This is why during my most teenage years I never had a proper relationship until I was 20. I used to think that if I will have a boyfriend then what if he won’t like me the same if I look bad physically. What if he judges my appearance in a negative way and will hurt my feelings. What if he will leave me because I don’t have a perfect body like a model. I will end up shattered in million pieces and I wanted to protect myself from that. And so I never came out of my “invisible shell”.

 Then one day I was on my way to my new job. And on my first day I was introduced to the staff. This is where I met my first boyfriend. He was working on the till and my boss introduced me to him. When I first saw him, I was like stuck to the floor. I was very attracted to him. Although after my first day at work my self-doubting thoughts came in like “look at him and look at you… it’s never going to happen” or “don’t even think about it!! why would he like you??”

 Turns out that guy was also very interested in me. He found me intriguing and different (he told me this after our relationship began seriously). Because of my negative thoughts about myself I kept a distance between us. And the more I kept that distance, the more he was curious about me. He never gave up even though I kept him away which kinda made me feel secured like I am worthy. I felt like this person would never give up on me just because of a bad hair do. His compassion is what drew me to him.

 So then I decided to give him a shot. We are still together after 4 years of bliss. And it turns out that my insecurities were meaningless. I am 24 years now and when I look back at myself… there was nothing wrong with myself. I was skinny and so beautiful. People always complimented how beautiful I looked but I ignored them. I used to look in the mirror and curse myself with harsh words. I wanted to know where this harshness came from so I started to look back in my past.

 I realised that when I was in my early teens, I had to move to a new school. When I moved there were a group of girls who sort of bullied me and always made me feel ugly about myself. They made me feel worthless like why was I even born on Earth. I hated them and I found myself still holding a grudge against them even when I was that 20 year old girl. I was taking that grudge and anger out on me because I didn’t stand up for myself when those girls bullied me. It’s like you want to take the anger out at someone by throwing a hot rock at them but you are the one burning yourself by holding that hot rock. That day I truly understood what it really means to forgive and let go.

 That same night of epic realisation I wrote all the people’s names I was holding a grudge against and the reasons why. Then I closed my eyes to forgive each and every one of them and burnt that paper in my fireplace. That night I cried a hell lot. Because I did a lot of digging of my past and it brought all those emotions on the surface that I kept buried deep within myself.

 From this point my true life began…